F U N N Y J O K E S

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. Be nice to me only when the job

noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?” “Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.” “What sort of question?” “Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’ The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.On the third floor a man gets on who’s perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor. Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, “Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.” To which the blonde replies, “How do you give Shoulders?”

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ‘em up”, and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks. The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?” One of the blondes explains, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box ‘2-4 years,’ but we finished it in 51 days!”

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!” He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. “What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,A woman is a bundle of contradiction,She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,She’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,She’ll win you in range, enchant you in silk,She’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad,She’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad Moods of a Man Horny.

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,’I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.’Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and thistime he doesn’t get her anything.She says, ‘Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?’He replies, ‘You didn’t use what I got you last year!’

I’ve been shopping for my wife’s birthday present. What did you get her? A bottle of expensive toilet water. It cost 20. 20! Why didn’t you come to my house – you could have had some of ours for free!

I got one cousin, he’s blind in one eye ’cause he tried to kill himself with a slingshot. I don’t even know how you go about that, you know? He shot the thing off; it completely missed his head. His dad came in, saw what he was doing, thought he was so stupid — poked his eye out.

A blind bunny and a blind snake bump into each other on the path. “What kind of animal are you?” asks the snake. “I really don’t know,” says the bunny. “I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?” So, the snake felt the bunny. “Well, you’re soft and cuddly,” said the snake. “You have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail. You must be a bunny!” “Awesome!” says the bunny. “Now what kind of animal are you?” “I really don’t know,” says the snake. “I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?” So, the bunny feels the snake all over, and he replies, “You’re hard and cold, and you haven’t got any balls. You must be a lawyer!”

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. “Tsk Tsk!” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?” “Fishin’, sir.” “Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?” The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?” The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today, sir!”

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’ So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up!

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, “A bottle of wine?”His employees replied, “No.”Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. “A bottle of scotch?”“His employees replied again, “No.”Finally the boss asked, “I give up. What is it?”His workers responded, “A puppy.”

”You Know It’s Your Last Day At Work When……” You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?”, you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn”. Your boss is standing behind you. It’s his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”. You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You’re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

A Russian, A Frenchman, and a Canadian in a Bar A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian walk into a bar. The Russian asks the bartender for vodka, so he gives him an entire bottle. The Russian pours out a shot, drinks it, and throws the rest of the bottle into the air and shoots it. The bartender asks, “What did you do that for?” and the Russian replies, “In my country, we have too much vodka.”The bartender shakes his head and turns to the Frenchman, who orders wine. The Frenchman pours a glass, drinks it, then throws the rest of the bottle in the air and shoots it to smithereens. “In my country,” he says, “we have too much wine.”The bartender shakes his head again, and turns hesitantly to the Canadian to ask him what he would like.The Canadian orders a beer, drinks the whole bottle in one go, then pulls out his gun and shoots the Frenchman. “In my country,” he says, “we have too many Frenchmen.”

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. A couple of minutes later, the bartender sees the guy talking to his hand. Not wanting any of his other customers to beat this guy up, the bartender walks over and tells the guy to stop talking to his hand. “But I got a cell phone implanted in my hand, bartender!” Sure enough, the guy has a phone implanted in his hand. “Well, put it away before you get beaten up,” says the bartender. This guy finishes his drink and goes to the washroom. When he doesn’t come out, the bartender gets worried and goes looking for this guy. He finds him in the washroom with a toilet paper roll shoved up his ass. “I told you,” says the bartender. “Oh, I’m fine,” says the guy, “just waiting for a fax!”

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”. After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

If you love something, set it free.If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.If it just sits in your living room,messes up your stuff,eats your food,uses your telephone,takes your money,and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,you either married it or gave birth to it! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Somebody Who’s Deeply In Love With You Tells You That Your Cute, Beautiful, Angelic,I Agree That’s True, Believe Me, I Swear Cuz Love Is Blind…

BEFORE – You take my breath away AFTER – I feel like I’m suffocating BEFORE – Saturday Night Fever AFTER – Monday Night Football BEFORE – Don’t stop AFTER – Don’t start BEFORE – It’s like I’m living in a dream AFTER – It’s like he lives in a dorm BEFORE – Turbocharged AFTER – Jumpstart BEFORE – We agree on everything AFTER – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own? BEFORE – Idol AFTER – Idle BEFORE – He’s completely lost without me AFTER – Why won’t he ever ask for directions? BEFORE – Passion AFTER – Ration BEFORE – Once upon a time AFTER – The end

My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda),You are my TVS SCOOTY(first love) and my AIWA (pure passion). I always BPL (believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (better than the best). You are DOMINO’SPIZZA (delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (seriously fresh)feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your mother who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (the unshakable) and my mother who is CEAT (born tough) , but don’t worry as I am also FORD ICON (The josh machine) and rest of our family members are pretty KELVINATORS (the coolest ones). If our mother say no, we will run away and marry, and PHILIPS (let’s make things better). They will feel MIRINDA (zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe inCOCA-COLA (jo chahe ho jaye) . Trust in God who’s always NOKIA(connecting people) who love each other. And do not forget that we are WILLS (made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways: There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

The Generosity Of College Kids A couple college kids, Stan and Ryan, are riding to school on a Chicago subway train when a homeless man approaches and begs for spare change. Stan adamantly rejects the man in disgust while Ryan, on the other hand, pulls out his wallet and gives the man two dollars and wishes him the best. The homeless man thanks Ryan kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Stan is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. “What the heck did you do that?” shouts Stan. “You know he’s probably only gonna use it for drugs or booze!” Ryan replies, “And we weren’t?”

A college professor’s going to bed with his wife. He’s not that tired, so he’s gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he’s reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot. “Kitza kitza,” she says. “Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?” He says, “I’m not teasing you. I’m wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.”

A college professor’s going to bed with his wife. He’s not that tired, so he’s gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he’s reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot. “Kitza kitza,” she says. “Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?” He says, “I’m not teasing you. I’m wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.”

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.The student looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?” With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked to the door.The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he did

1. If I like it, it’s mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it’s mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine. 5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine. 8. If I saw it first, it’s mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, it’s yours.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?” The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand”. “OK” said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?” “They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert”, “Thanks Mom” replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??” The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.” “That’s great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom”, “Yes son?” “Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?”

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern। At the table next to them sat a young girl. The first man said, “I think it’s WOOMB.” The second replied, “No, it must be WOOOOMBH.” The third said, “You both have it wrong — it’s WOOM.” The fourth stated, “No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.” At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, “Look, you hayseeds, it’s WOMB. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.” Then she left. Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, “Well, I don’t know. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t see how she could know. I’ll bet she’s never even heard an elephant fart!”